Just keep Writing

I'm really bored/sick so while waiting for many things I'm just doing stuff like this

Well I've said this many times and I'm sure others have as well. "where words fail Music Speaks". Now we've all said this type of thing before, well those who are familiar with the phrase, but does anyone truly live by it?

I may be misunderstanding the phrase sometimes, but I thinks of lyrics and music to be the same. So Lyrics speak better than most common words to me. So in many situations I will relate lyrics, or hell I'll even say them.

After a bad break up though the best lyrics came to mind and I just wanted to yell this out at the guy and the world in general, it's from Broken Man - By - Boys Like Girls

"I Took One Big Step and I looked Away. And Then I Thought Of All The Things that I Wanted to Say! I'm Always too Late. You Never Got Your Story Straight. I'm Always Up Late. I Think I'm Everything You Hate!"

Maybe thats more relating to the situation of the questions but the lyrics that follow put it nicely as well

"I won't let you bring me down it's here and now, I'm breaking out. I will learn to Love again, but I will stand a broken man"

Lyrics, they simply speak louder than words ever could for me.

Okay so I love the Song "Kimi No Tame Ni Boku Ga Iru" by Arashi

It's one of my favorite songs by them that I can listen to over and over and not get tired of [then again i rarely get tired of Arashi I think]

( so as i was saying )

It's my brithday today, well the 20th if I post this after midnight I suppose it'll be over won't it?

 

so I turned 18

I had an ex boyfriend call me up and he was like 'You're what 15? 16? Perfect age for me to date right?" he's almost 20 now my response "You're sick >/ "

then he went on to tell me I'm legal, and when I said I didn't need porn or cigs he's like 'Oh I was referring to other stuff but nvm you're too much of a pansy to do that type of thing"

My response "Never met a guy who was worth doing that with"

His response: "Ouch"

Anyways I had a pretty damn good b-day actuall
Usually I hate my birthday. I technically wasn't a panned baby but my mom prayed to have another girl so she was happy about it. But that year when I was born the day after my branpa died :[ I never had any type of granpappy due to that. Granfather died when mama was 18, granpa was my dad's dad and I never got to meet him
My mom and other members of the family said we met in spirit
Maybe a little bit of him exists in me type of thing

Anyways my mom got me a card though today that was really special. It reflected pretty much exactly how she thinks of me

( So More on my b-day and new found liking to NEWS )

Ahaha

One word : Arashi

Most of my close friends know I'm into some j-pop boyband nowadays but most people in general would never see me listening to that stuff
I mean y'kno it's me, the one who lives for concerts where I can throw myself into a mosh pit and get thrown around, tossed, bruised, and overall sore by the end of the night and only with that will I agree it was an amazing concert

Now that I've seen enough Arashi concerts though I can honestly say you don't always need to Mosh to have an amazing time

So that's why they need to come over here
Because America has nothing like what they have

=]

Oh and of course all that other fav. stuff could be listed as Arashi as well
J-dramas like Hana Yori dango for TV, or Ans, and for movies Pikanichi

those are just the surprising things I enjoy

I do have some other normalcy in me

Like for instance I actually enjoy Gossip Girl
Shocker right? But still more normal than a jpop boy band

Okay so I saw this as today's writer's block and had to answer it

Because I, though most wouldn't think so with my chill attitude and appearance, Plan out everything.

I just can't help it. I worry, a hellas lot!
I'm anxious often, always apologizing when I shouldn't be or don't have to, constantly thinking I've offended someone and I don't regreat too much but I used to.

So you see with all this it's only natural I developed what I call my '5-step plan'
I don't really have 5 steps to everything, but in a sense I do
every action i take, I think about it five steps ahead.
Like if I do this - it'll lead to this - which can lead to that - worst case scenario
if it's too big of a bad outcome at the end I won't do it
if I feel i need to rick in order to gain I will do it

So that's it mainly

Everything I do, I've alread thought about 5 steps in advance
This post for example will only lead to me staying distracted, not doing my AP psych or math homework, and ultimately I end up gaining 3 pounds and losing sleep

=[ suckage

the pound thing --> eating then writing all day or looking for that subbed arashi concert/video = pounds gained

Dammit >.<
 

Ok so I never really ever used this site. I mainly used it as a way to type something onto a journal thing that only I would see but would be able to view much easier than a bunch of crazy document files. Now I'm really glad I've made this due to all the Arashi pages I've discovered on here.

 

But due to this I feel like I need to have a more light hearted entry so I guess I'll just give a run down on the issues I face currently.

 

1 - College -

I hate this issue.. Oh so much. Because the more I think about the university I'm going to and how its nursing program is oh so selective the more I wonder if I can get into it. I know I need to trust myself more but my party tendencies and Study habits don't say 'serious student' at all which is what i need to be to get into nursing. It's at Mizzou and thats a top 14 in Nursing schools in USA [otherwise I'd go somewhere like Missouri State]. Yea, the pressure is on

2 - My Procrastination -

"And I'm so Sore, My Voice is gone to hell this is one more sleepless night because We don't believe in Fillers baby. If I could I'd sit this out. [This is Over] This is a lesson in Procrastination [when I say it's over] I'd kill myself because I'm so frustrated. and EVERY SINGLE SECOND THAT I PUT IT OFF MEANS ANOTHER LONELY NIHT I GOTTA RACE THE CLOCK" That just about sums it up. Man I love Lyrics. They're so perfect for me. Seriously, I could probably speak in lyrics if I tried.

3 - My Arashi Obssession-

God somene should have warned me how serious this could get. I mean seriously you get into a band like The Used, Mest, HIM, Rise Against and you have some things to look through, songs and MVs. But hell, Arashi? Oh they've been together for 10 years, many singles, PVs, albums, Tv shows, comedy skits, hillarious things to watch, fan vids, solos, concerts that are amazingly fun to watch. It doesn't end. I'm constanly dowloading something lately. My comp will crash soon I bet. I try to check for viruses but I don't believe how everything is clean apparently. I mean thats just not normal @_@ this whole thing isn't exactly normal for a girl like me. And all my friends are weirded out by my new obssession with a J-pop boy band.

 

4 - Jun Baited -

I blame Jun Matsumotto for my distractions. He is the cutest member of Arashi for me due to the fact he's so relateable. Like the hardships he describes in La Familia and how important Arashi and all the guys are to him. Along with Yabai Yabai Yabai. Just those type of lyrics and his punk rock attitude remind me of the type of person I can relate to best. Seriously I liked him randomly after stumbling onto a Sakura Sake concert vid for One Summer Tour. He looked so cute and funny and just like a little punk rocker, thats the best way I can describe it. I lost the vid for awhile then found HYD then evantuall I put two in two together and realized Arashi made the theme songs and they were from that one video I had watched a week or so prior :]

 

So me discovering Arashi : Complete and total ACCIDENT, but I'm glad it happened

5 - AP Psych-

So I'm only doing nursing in life to pay for graduate school to become a psychiatrist. So of course I'm in AP psych right now. And god damn we deserve field trip liek the other AP classes with all the NOTES WE HAVE TO TAKE!! Seriously. I've done over 1000 pages in reading to do over 1025 pages of notes hand written by now I believe. No joke. Front and back. It's intense. Oh and my stack of Vocab note cards? Like maybe about 8 inches thick now. My friends pity me. I love Psychology, but bajeebus the fact I still have a social life amazes me. Then again I have a B+ so thats the price to pay I gues. [I like my B+ tho >>? ]

6 - No sleep-

I distract myself through this and that and everything and rarely sleep nowadays. Of course computer people see this as a no biggie, we all stay up too late right? I've pulled an all 5 nighter before though. I start hallucinating. It gets pretty bad. You wouldn't believe how scary my imagination is and how terrifed I can be walking up the stairs to get back to my room. I feel like there's something waiting to grab me, push me or just freak me out. X_x;

Im dropping it here I have some chapter outlines due tomorrow in Psych I gotta finish [like 7 of them T_T]
 

So I guess I'll write something a least for right now.

Well it's raining outside right now, and I rather enjoy it. It makes me anticipate going upstairs soon to reread City of Bones and City of Ashes. I Read City of glass, the final installment over the weekend and I was so in love with it. It was amazing and I'm sad it's over =[

This all came with a price tho, me not doing a lot of homework.

So this led to me failing a math test today to kinda. I haven't had a normal sleep cycle in forever. My body is adapting but my memory has left me. So when I was handed the test I literally wrote down almost nothing. Seriously. NOTHING. 9/10th of that test were blank. And I have a math LD so its just that much harder. and i was gonna just finish what i could the next morning but Gottlieb said he wouldn't be here so  was left without hope so I just handed it to him and said "I guess I'll just take an F.."

I felt like crying for about an hour after that but I had to keep composing myself. Just f-ing A y'kno?

And i have a lot of AP psych notes i have to finish, I got 25 pages done last night and 46 notecards but I have another chapter due tomorrow now as well since we combined em T.T;

oh and creative writing, I just failed at turning in a story entirely... =[

oh and lit, i need to make a story and finish up that essay

F#@&

The kind that reside in my mind.
I have no clue why I am even on this late but I have the urge as always to type. though I know me getting ready for bed + showering may take an hr. and a half. But right now... I crave a collapse. I want to push my physical limits to the very edge by stretching them so far. And to stretch them I need not worry about any kind of limitation..

Such as Time.
So as they say, right now to me 'time is infinite.'
I've always been a night person. I can feel sooo burned out during the day but by just sitting in the car or wherever listening to music, and just mellowing out I can quickly find a center. Even better when I have something to do but not focus on. Like Myspace or Facebook. Unless messaging I have no real purpose for being on there.

So why do I tend to wander thru them for hours on end?
It's so addicting. It really is like a drug, as is this. As is anything in which I can write upon. Even worse in math class when I begin to doodle...speaking of Math I didn't bring home my homework...Oh wait yes I did.. I just don't give a fuck..
But I have to cuz if I don't pass... College will be that much more out of reach.

It's soo hard... trying to focus in math and get thru my day in general. I have ADD and a LD in math.. So it's just that much harder. And I have a research paper due... and I haven't been showing my progress in notecards cuz she never makes it a clear time to show her... So i have them all but fuck..

I hope I still get points cuz I always exempt my language final...

I'm starting to fall.
I just now came to that conclusion. Even worse is if I do become happy it won't last long. It always comes back. I thought that was just mood swings and that was just me being a girl but apparently ADD has a manic and some other state as High and Low points of the day. And it happens often. Like not of the day of every 15 fucking minutes.

My head is so clouded right now I wanna sleep but I wanna just blow up as well.
I'm angry now. Great.
Maybe just frustrated.
God people are bothering me a little lately. Something is definitely off with me too. I can't focus at all it's like ADD really is coming to full swing at me usually it's like it's not there lately. But now.. now I worry maybe I'm thinking too much on it. And also Best Friend Withdrawal has gotten to the point where I don't even try to make too much small talk with Emmy. I'm just dead, or cheery for the sake of being cheery but in the small talk kinda way.

Even worse is how I feel about it. It's almost like I really don't care too much anymore whether we talk a lot or not.
It's like "If she wants to she can damn well initiate convo herself"

So yeah. I feel like.... I feel.. Fake..
Maybe not so much I just mean.. Well I know I'm real. So I guess I can't be a fake. So maybe I'm just hollow?

I'm walking around with a drained expression. People and their voices seem distant. I no longer care... for much of anything as long as I can still slowly trudge towards my future..

So i should really do my geometry...
But I don't want to cuz I still need sleep..
And Psychology report. And Research Paper. And Spanish Test. And Human Anatomy project thing.. It's all building up.

And I'm not doing anything to relieve the stress thats beginning to slowly eat me from the inside out.

So flippin tired.
Thanksgiving is tomorrow.
I kinda hate Thanksgiving. I guess I'll explain more later.
tommorow I want to write about what i did yesterday. Or two days ago I guess.
It's 5 am... I need to sleep before I no longer can.
insomnia kicks in around this time..
So For now I'll end it with some lyrics.
Of a Song that really says a lot about me.... yeah whatever.. Love this song.. and all songs basically.. that say something good to me..


Look in my eyes
I'm jaded now whatever that means
by sharing these things
I rip my heart out
it's worth my time
whatever that means...so

hard to see up
my neck feels stiff until I wake up
the orange I choked
and back to my neck
it's worth my time
whatever that means....so

share with me
cause I need it right now
let me see your insides
or write me off
cause I'd rather starve now
if you won't open up

give it to me
give me all... whatever you want
it's never been me
to want this much from you
I can see
Yeah

share with me
cause I need it right now
let me see your insides
or write me off
cause I'd rather starve now
if you won't open up
you won't open up

it tears me up
it tears me up
it tears me up
it tears me up

look in my eyes
I'm jaded now whatever that means
by sharing these things
I rip my heart out
it's worth my time
whatever that means...so

share with me
cause I need it right now
let me see your insides
or write me off
cause I'd rather starve now
if you won't open up
won't open up

(share with me) yeah it tears me up
(cause I need it right now) tears me up (let me see your insides)
(or write me off) and it tears me up (cause I'd rather starve now)
(if you won't open up won't open up) tears me up

Noises and Kisses - The Used